Thursday, May 27, 2010

trust and wonderment

i have been reading the best book ever. i am a book fiend, as many of you all know, and i will read anything that is given to me. well, i was walking around in lifeway a couple weeks ago, looking for allen's birthday present, and i find this book called "I will carry you". i almost passed it by because normally i look for a great, convicting book that is sure to make me feel like crap so that i will once again be on my knees before my Father. well, this book is completely different. it is about a lady who is pregnant who finds out that the little girl she is carrying is not compatible with life. she doesn't have organs that are formed correctly and if she is even born alive, it will be very short. the whole book talks about how this lady goes through her pregnancy having to rely on God's faithfulness. of course she hopes for a miracle, that her little girl would be born healthy and full of life. it doesn't happen. her little girl is born, alive, but still incompatible with a full life ahead of her. she lives for two hours and then Jesus takes her to be home with Him. the mom and dad then have to explain (as they have been throughout the pregnancy) to their little girls that their audrey is going to be with Jesus. the little girls seem to understand in their own ways what is happening, while mom and dad are still mulling over the fact that she is gone. the whole pregnancy they have been preparing for this moment. they have talked to their baby, taken her on vacations, done everything that they would do with a child, but they have to do it in a shorter time. after she is gone, they try to move on with life (as much as one can in that situation) and then find out from the doctors that as they looked over audrey after she passed, she had NOTHING wrong with her. nothing. but jesus still took her to be home with Him. one would wonder why, how this could happen. it must be so frustrating to 1) know that your baby has something that is incompatible with living and 2) realize that you only have a short time with her alive...and then to find out that once she was alive and then passed, you find out that absolutely nothing was wrong with her.

but the thing that is so interesting to me is this mom's joy and continual trust in the Lord. of course any normal Christian would tell you that in hard times, you have to trust in God. you hear it all the time. they will say "oh just trust God, he knows what is best. he will prove Himself faithful." ultimately, yes, this is true. God ALWAYS proves himself faithful to those who trust in Him. but it's still hard. really hard. this woman cries out to God after she finds out about the condition of her little girl. i'm sure in the back of her mind she is thinking, "God, please fix her!" She starts crying out to God, angry, hurt, and lonely, not understanding why this has happened to her. her heart is (understandably) broken, but she cries out to Him in the deepest times of desperation. she believes in Him enough to call out. and He listens.

 i have lost two babies, one of them recently, and even though i never got to meet either of them, i completely know how she feels. you get your hopes up, and they are dashed. something that you want to succeed so badly...and it's gone. just like that. you just want to cry and scream and begin to understand the "why" of everything. it's easy to tell someone to "trust in God" but it is hard when you are in that situation yourself. and everyone has these in life. it may not be losing a baby. It may be losing a job, or having a life altering injury, or anything like that. it's easy to do the Christian thing and tell someone else to believe what God can do, but then when you're in the same situation, you just get mad at Him. i've been there. and it is hard to just understand. i would love to know why i could have had two healthy babies, but He wanted them home with Him. i want to know. but i can't. i have to hand it over to Him once again and continue to yield all of me to Him.

She goes on later in the book to ask "What do you believe your God can do?" obviously, He can do anything. now, He could have done a miracle and let this lady's baby girl be healthy and live a happy life. he could have done the same with me. but He didn't. and am i disappointed? of course. it hurts so much to lose someone you hardly got a chance to love, but do i believe that God wants us to glorify Him anyway? YES. we could sit around and get bitter for the things that He hasn't done...but we could also just rest in the grace that He shows us, the fact that what lies ahead of us will be for His glory. It's hard to rest in the peace of the Lord sometimes, and sometimes all you want to do is yell and scream and feel like the world hates you. but even in this, we should love Him and take joy in the fact that we do go through these things, even when it's hard.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

wow. so God tests us over and over, expecting us to not give up all while being joyful and maturing in Him. it's difficult. it's a constant process, whether it be a one time trial, or an ongoing situation that requires constant submission to God. he just wants to make us perfect, so that we won't lack anything. but He wouldn't put it out there if He didn't expect our all.

i think it's a beautiful thing when we can truly trust God with everything. many things in life will not be understood because it's too hard for us to carry, but we have to trust that God will take care of it. He can carry that load that we simply cannot carry ourselves.i wish i understood why i couldn't have these babies, just as i'm sure this woman wanted a miracle for her baby girl. but i have to give it to God and rest in the peace that He is so free to give to us. it's pretty amazing, actually, if you take the time to just rejoice in what He HAS done. it so outweighs the bad. He's that cool...

Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

Sunday, May 2, 2010

the new obsession in the mcabee house.. more like judah's obsession....his nose!! he is crazy about it. i noticed he's been realizing he has a nose now. i will look in the backseat and he'll have a finger up there. lovely picture, yes i know. he has discovered what it actually is now. he not only sticks his finger up there constantly, he sticks peas and other random objects up there if he can. AND he thinks it's hilarious when he does it. of course i have to be serious mommy and not encourage him, but i can't help but to laugh at him when he isn't looking. and now that he knows where his nose is, he also knows where mommy and daddy's noses are. he grabs them and "honks"'s so funny! i'll have to put a video up or something. but yes, this is the brand new thing judah has learned about. just thought i would share with everyone!! :)